huzzah! my first (and very likely only) follower...

...i mean really, as far as wasting your time reading a blog goes, this is really reaching. and i write the stuff.

anyway, in appreciation of my lovely follower, i will be shipping you one of these in all manner of quickness:

now you can get your solo karaoke on wherever you may wander. in the car. at the store. making the bed. getting stitches in your thumb. people won't look at you funny, i promise.

i was meandering through the store yesterday when i happened upon this. now, it's not so much that i am questioning why anyone would want to shell out money for this hideous and vexing boob suction cup contraption, as i am wondering what the hell is wrong with that woman's torso?

implants gone awry? alien baby? a tent for teeny tiny abdomen dwellers?

toe the line

i don't understand this at all. so much so, that i had to take a picture of it when i saw it in the store. fake toenails make my head hurt.

anyway, i would like for someone to purchase a set of these, apply them, then send me a photo of your feet. please.

i just can't bring myself to put them on my monkey toes. besides, i don't have any nails on my pinky toes, so it would be a terrible return on my investment.

then again, seeing as how they were in the clearance bin, i am obviously not the only person who thinks wearing fake toenails is daft.

i was doing my hair yesterday. and i was thinking, for as many times a month i change my hair color, this is an awfully messy and time-consuming process. and those tiny color wands that come with my daughter's dolls are just more trouble than they are worth. that is why i was so thankful when i found this awesome brush to effortlessly add color to my ever-changing 'do. i'm absolutely keeping this baby in mind for the next time i want to smear some dye over just the top layer of my ultra hip "i'm not aging gracefully" wig.

kids buy the darndest things

some of my favorite things is the crap they market at kids. cuz you can pretty much sell anything to anyone. but marketers just let loose with the stuff they get up to when it comes to the wee ones. and the ads generally don't disappoint either.

you've got dolls that pee, dolls with dogs that poop, bendy wax-covered string, booger candy, candy that comes out of a candy toilet, yogurt that turns your poop turquoise, animals that poop jellybeans (well, i'll admit, i bought that one for me), but you get my point...

and the commercials for these items are always flashy and seduce kids into thinking their lives would be amazing if they bought any one (or all) of these items.

except for one campaign that had the direct opposite effect. it was a few years back. there was an ad for juice on the boob tuve. the juice itself was normal enough, or so i imagine. but the mascot was a giant talking apple-grape. with a face. it looked like a giant talking hemorrhoid. so, the ad had the effect of, "hey, kids! how's about a nice heaping tall glass of delicious hemorrhoid juice?"

way to put a kid off of a fruity and refreshing beverage. well, maybe my kid was too young to know what a hemorrhoid was at the time, but i know that i couldn't in good conscience feed her butt-juice. so, alas, we'll never know if it really was made from the best stuff on earth.

summer's eve wants you to know...

...the reason you haven't gotten that big, fat raise or corner office with all the windows or the personal assistant/coffee monkey named alsonso is because you have nasty, stinky lady parts.

haven't you ladies learned by now, a clean vag is the *only* way to climb the corporate ladder? and you thought it had to do with skill or some such silly nonsense.

hail to the v. really?

i'll be the first to say that most times i have no idea what goes on in the heads of marketing teams. and, i suppose that it is no easy task to make feminine hygiene products seem interesting. but i am absolutely perplexed by what is going on in the world of the douche. if it's not creepy talking handsnatches being oddly ethnic and referring to themselves as your vertical smile, then it's some epic commercial (shown before a happy potter flick...wtf) extolling the virtues of the almighty and well-cleansed va-jay-jay...sort of a sparta for your genitals. this is vagina! tonight we dine in spring breeze freshness!

please. stop. now.

my bajingo is just fine without the aid or your products (always has been, always will be) or the implication that i would be a better female if i used your products. your ad campaign in toto is just plain embarrassing and slightly degrading.

update: apparently it is becoming rather difficult to find the offensively stereotyped, vaguely racist talking vag hand commercials on the intertubez. seems they are slowly being removed. and all my examples were broken. you can still get a little snippet of the "white girl" at the summer's eve site.

i can't believe it's not nards

i also can't believe i had completely forgotten about neuticles. so, here's the deal: you neuter your dog. you feel guilt. you buy him some fake nuts.

problem is, dogs are dogs and they just don't give a shit. a dog eats his own poop. he doesn't remember what happened 5 seconds prior. he doesn't have thumbs in which to hold a mirror to admire his junk. and, most importantly, another dog is not going to be fooled by silicon balls. he's just going to point and laugh.

today's lesson? spay and neuter your pets, but please for the love of dog, don't give them testicular implants.

and now for a moment of seriousness...

want.

but, apparently i have to order 5000 of them. minimum.

that is all.

don't "belittle" a short person, we'll bite your kneecap.

dear maxtall:

according to your infomercial: statistics prove being taller means: more confidence. more attention. more success.

according to this happily 5 feet 1 inch person: statistics prove putting lifts in your shoes makes you: more ridiculous. more desperate. more issue filled than some rubber inserts will cure.

sincerely,

the short girl

p.s. no, you still won't get the girl.

remember that slasher flick from the 80s? "dienasty: the legend of rejunvenique." you remember it. starring dynasty's linda evans. all about a homicidal skin-care masked maniac, sent into a murderous rage over enlarged pores and unsightly blemishes. yeah, that's the one. they made an infomercial about it. you can see it here.

i also happened upon "the mask of death" which totally made my day and i have to thank this woman for volunteering to don the mask and posting it on the youtubes.

this just doesn't need anything added to it. the torture-device-like image alone pretty much sums it up. but, i will admit to letting a little scream slip when i saw this gif.

a george foreman grill for your abs

it's comforting to know that women aren't the only ones to fall victim to their body images (or lack thereof). but the ab-hancer makes me want to either grill some chicken on his stomach or cool my cake on his tummy rack. what it doesn't make me want to do is swoon over him...but, the boxers and the remote definitely helps increase his sexy.

you gotta keep 'em separated

my boobs like to fight with each other at night. so they can't touch each other when i go to sleep or else i would never get any rest. but, they also like to live on the wild side, so i prefer to use one of those bristly roller hair brushes to segregate my girls, as opposed to a weird dildoey-looking thing.

mike rowe.

cat sack (katsak?)

enough said.

excuse me, your groove is not very smoove.

just another in a long line of items that make women feel uncomfortable about their anatomy comes the "smoove groove." it surely (?) will prevent the dreaded camel toe, but will it do anything for your hungry butt?

put a rose on it

maybe it's due to the fact that i seem to deal with an awful lot of poop and i have become immune to my dogs' business end. maybe i just don't want to humiliate the poor canines (they already have to endure the stupid voices i use to "talk for them")...but, if i ever get the hankering to make my doofus dogs wear one of these, please. shoot. me.

wizzonit

of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to get rid of that pesky hair. being part italian and getting up there in years, i find myself with more and more of it with each passing day.

but, really? wizzit? that just conjures up the image of someone peeing on my upper lip. and that is just. not. sexy.

until you take your pants off

really, bootypop? and what happens to your disclaimer once the drawers are dropped and the unpopped booty is exposed for the flat fallacy it really is?

it's like a carwash for your feet!

EasyFeet

because it is entirely too difficult to wash your feet the old fashioned way.

or, you could just leave your pajamas on.

not. remotely. stylish.

that's one hot dog!

because it is supremely important to encourage this loverly behavior in dogs.

why wouldn't you...

...want this? isn't the point of potty training to make sure your dogs go *in* the house?

easy now, cracka

i've been looking for ways to make my breakfast making more enjoyable. i'm not sure how any of us survived life without this miraculous tool.